No More Perfect Kids by Jill Savage

Author:Jill Savage [Savage, Jill; Koch, Kathy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-8024-9007-0
Publisher: Moody Publishers
Published: 2014-09-15T00:00:00+00:00

“DOING” LABELS

Many labels are earned because of what kids do. That’s understandable and can be positive. These include statements such as “I am an athlete.” Often kids will include a descriptive adjective—“a good athlete.” In most cases, we give them those adjectives either in conversation as we introduce them to others or in the way we react to them. However, it’s important that we realize both ends of the spectrum when it comes to “doing labels”—that is, labels that are closely associated with what our kids do. One end of the spectrum motivates; the other end of the spectrum can end up in pride.

For instance, “I’m a star athlete” can be positive, as it motivates kids to practice and listen carefully to their coaches so they maintain their excellence. But it can make teamwork challenging if the “star athlete” becomes prideful and sets himself up as better than his peers.

“I’m a terrible singer” is obviously a negative way for your daughter to declare she’s not singing well. You might help her realign her thinking by a comment such as, “You may not be singing well at the moment, but that doesn’t make you a terrible singer. We all have bad days, and we can use those to motivate us to keep practicing or work at a particular skill.” Her frustration can be positive if it’s short-lived and it motivates her to practice and work at a particular skill she’s lacking. But the “I’m a terrible singer” statement can be negative if it causes her to give up. It’s also negative if she draws this conclusion just by comparing herself to the best singers in her choir.

It’s best when “doing” identities are specific descriptions of behavior rather than general statements. For instance, it would be better for your daughter to know, “I’ve got to figure out how to make my breaths last longer. And I know my director is right. I need to practice singing the scales.” She’s identifying specific skills to work on so she won’t feel “terrible” anymore. Your son who thinks of himself as a “bad writer” would be better off describing his specific goals: “I need to remember to proofread to add more adjectives to my essays to make my writing richer.” In this way his label becomes “I’m choosing to improve my writing.”

Not all good athletes are the same. When your kids know what makes them uniquely good, they’ll know how they can specifically help a team or help a less-skilled player. They’ll also know what they weren’t able to list as part of their skills that they could work on more. For instance, your son might be able to identify his talent in this way: “I’m better at football this year because I worked on speed and agility over the summer.” Your soccer-playing daughter might state, “I’m playing well this year because I’m looking ahead better to predict where the defensive players are going.” Identity controls behavior.

Because identity controls behavior, you’ll want your kids to have “doing identities” for the activities they value and for activities you want them to value.

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